


when the night became cold

by younism



Category: VICTON (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Illnesses, Implied Death, M/M, Non Idol AU, alternative universe, it’s not actually that dramatic lol, someday i will learn how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23630221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younism/pseuds/younism
Summary: the intricacies of chan cannot be summarised in words so seungsik found another way
Relationships: Heo Chan/Kang Seungsik
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25





	when the night became cold

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and comments at the end !

It was the little things.

Chan’s little habits that no other pair of eyes, except for Seungsik's attentive one, could pick up. The little shake of his head when he laughs, the way he would gently pat his right cheek with his fingertips whilst deep in thought, and the faint ticking noise he makes with his tongue that would accompany it. At first, these details were something he barely took notice of, then they turned into what Seungsik looks forward to catching throughout the day, like a Chan-habit-bingo of sorts, and somehow without him realising, they became something he thought he desperately needed to document in some form or another. 

Seungsik was no author. Sure he had received decent grades for his essays during college and signs his work emails with a ‘Sincerely yours,’ when he’s feeling fancy; but he doesn’t trust his fingers enough to compose writings that could encapsulate the intricacy that is the many sides of Chan. From all the years they had known each other, Seungsik had come to learn all the different dimensions of Chan’s personality. Seungsik doubted there were any words in any dictionary that could summarize the man. So with that, intimately detailed poems of the way Chan nudges the hem of his jeans down with his other foot were clearly out of the picture. 

Don’t get him wrong; he tried. Many hours of his could-have-been beauty sleep saw him sitting on their shared desk, the bright white light emitted from his screen mocking him for the lack of words he could conjure up. On the rare occasion black pixels littered the otherwise blank google doc, it would form the words ‘Chan pretty Chan perfect Chan baby’; and if anything, those taunted him even more. 

His idea came to him one evening when they were both on their couch. A movie played as background noise, Chan’s head on the other’s lap as he scrolled through instagram. Every so often, Seungsik would cough so hard that his chest ached, making the younger’s head bounce on his lap as he looked up worryingly at the other. To this, Seungsik would only look down at him with a soft smile and nothing but adoration in his eyes as he tried to stifle another round of coughing. 

Once in a while, Chan would come across a particularly satisfying video of slime and lift his screen slightly so Seungsik could make the same ooh’s and aah’s he uses as a response to any other slime video his boyfriend shoved in his face.

Although the first few times he could understand the appeal that made Chan so drawn to them, after a while the noises they made just made him feel a bit squeamish. Chan didn’t need to know that though. And Seungsik made sure of that, as every time, he would pause his fingers that were running through Chan’s hair and give yet another 30 second clip of a stranger’s fingers poke holes at a substance that he thinks shouldn’t be poked at, his full attention. Because it made Chan happy. And Seungsik would watch a million of these videos if it meant that Chan did his little satisfied giggle as he angled his phone back down to his eye level. 

As he tried coming up with usernames, his eyes kept glancing back down to Chan to make sure he couldn’t see. He was unsurprisingly still hypnotised by the glitter that snuck in and made its home under a stranger’s fingernails. Seungsik’s mouth quirked up at this in distaste. He couldn't imagine how much of a pain it would be to rid one’s hands of the devil’s sprinkles. Three slime posts Chan watched and scrolled past later, Seungsik was finally satisfied with what he decided on : @hc1109; because @heochaniamcompletelyinlovewithyou was too long. 

He made sure to keep the instagram page private. Following no one, and followed by no one. At first he worried Chan would somehow find the account. Well, the username wasn’t so discreet, Chan’s initials and the date the two had met at a study group back in college, but Seungsik decided to just hope for the best because honestly, he had already spent too long racking his brain for a username and didn’t feel like spending any more unnecessary time on it. 

Chan put his phone on the coffee table in front of him, seemingly preparing to nap on Seungsik’s lap. At the same time, Seungsik scrolled through his gallery to find what he should post first. It didn’t take much scrolling, as every day he managed to snap at least a row of photos of his boyfriend. His fingers expertly tapped the plus button at the bottom, selected his chosen photo and posted it just as Chan had taught him when he first downloaded the app. 

(In the first few days, Seungsik had trouble navigating the app, to which Chan would poke his cheek and jokingly called him “hag”. The elder would swat his hand away but could never suppress the slight upturn of his lips)

Thus began Seungsik’s regular posting on this secret private account. He started it off with a few of his most recent photos, noting down the date and a sentence or two in the caption under each post. 

The second post, a photo of Chan deep in thought (one hand on his cheek, and his lips slightly pursed as usual) as he was driving them to dinner was taken on an angle that seemed to be a recurring theme throughout the feed; much lower than eye level to avoid Chan noticing. Even if Seungsik had taken the photo where the other could clearly see, he doubted the latter would even notice, considering how focused he appeared.

(Which seemed almost worrying. Shouldn’t he have been focussing on driving and the road ahead? Seungsik suddenly felt concerned for his life. But that was nothing a gentle brush on the younger’s nape couldn’t fix. As soon as Seungsik’s slender fingers wound its way into the short hairs at the bottom, waking him up from his stupor, Chan subconsciously dropped his hand from his cheek and turned quickly to the elder to give him a cheeky smile that turned his eyes into crescents.)

Seungsik began capturing more little moments throughout their day, filling his gallery with even more photos of the one person he spent the most time with. At night, when Chan curled up to his side, breaths quiet and even, Seungsik would reach his charging phone and post whatever he had managed to document that day. Some days there would only be a few, the days Seungsik was too distracted sending heart eyes to his boyfriend that the thought of opening the camera flew over his head. Other days, he had to shuffle through countless amounts of photos and pick out the best ones. Those days were the hardest. He barely had it in him to delete the less than perfect ones but his phone storage simply couldn’t afford him keeping every single one of them. 

As he leaned slightly to the left to avoid blinding Chan with the light from his phone, his throat would once again close up and he did everything he could to contain another fit of coughs in fear of disturbing the younger from his needed rest. Most times though, he couldn’t fight it. Arousing Chan from sleep with his coughing fit that felt like he was swallowing knives. What made Seungsik feel even more guilty, was that Chan would always get up and get water from the kitchen, handing it to him wordlessly before settling back down into his previous position. No sign of annoyance in his face. Only the ever-present guilt in Seungsik.

-

“Marshmallows!”

“Chan, no”, Seungsik sighed, already taking the packet out of his hands, “Remember the last time we bought marshmallows for movie night?”. The image of one too many (the whole bag) marshmallows making its way down Chan’s throat, and consequently back up through the same way and all over their coffee table replayed in Seungsik’s mind. Chan’s too, if the shudder that rattled his shoulders was anything to go by. The older of the two decidedly returned the cursed packet of marshmallows back in its rightful home on the shelf. 

“Okay, okay you’re right” Chan pouted as he rested his forearms back on the trolley handles and resumed pushing it through the snack aisle. Seungsik trailed behind him slightly like the wolf leader making sure his tribe is in line (or making sure Chan doesn’t slip in any more unnecessary confectionaries on impulse). He smiled to himself in victory, before remembering something. He quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a photo of Chan wheeling their basically-empty trolley. 

The composition of the photo was not too shabby if Seungsik said so himself. Chan’s back was positioned on the left hand side and the aisle of snacks stretched from the right side to the centre of the screen. With a filter and some light adjustments, this could easily fit into a professional photographer's portfolio, Seungsik boasted in his mind. 

“What evil plans are you devising there, huh?”

Seungsik chuckled and caught up to the other.

Saturday nights often saw them in the same situation. Chan and Seungsik arguing in the snack aisle on what is the appropriate amount of sweets to funnel down one’s throats in the span of a few movies, Chan’s argument always being on the higher side, then the two getting tired and settling on the same haul as last week’s: gummy bears, m&m’s and of course, popcorn. (“It’s a tried and tested combination! Sour, sweet, and salty!” the older of the two would always argue). 

That night Seungsik first made the instagram account was on a similar night to tonight. Although that movie night didn’t turn out exactly as planned. Crazy Rich Asians being not as interesting as they had remembered, it was only natural for them to gradually lose interest and resort back to their much more entertaining phones. However, tonight Seungsik was determined to make their movie night a success. He had spent the time Chan was showering before the trip to the supermarket to browse the films on netflix. He added a few promising candidates into his list but as the sound of the shower ended abruptly, he quickly decided on Frozen. The movie never got old for them and he planned on letting Chan attempt to his Elsa’s high notes for maximum enjoyment during the night.

He didn’t exactly know the reason behind this newfound sense of determination to organize the best movie night but it was this persistence that made Seungsik slip the bag of marshmallows back into their trolley. The possible disaster that this seemingly innocent confectionery could (would) cause taunted Seungsik but he reassured himself that he could ration it out to Chan responsibly this time, regardless of the countless previous times he most definitely couldn’t. Yes, he used to succumb to Chan’s pleading eyes easily, almost comically easily, but that’s in the past. 

“Should we pick up some honey tea or something?” Chan mused out loud. Neither of them were ever particularly fond of honey tea so the sudden idea confused Seungsik slightly. Maybe Chan was just wanting to try new things?

“Do you want honey tea?” Seungsik answered back with a question but the other only looked at him with his eyebrows scrunched in question. Why is he the confused one? It was him who brought up honey tea in the first place.

“...Well, no… but I think you’ll need it, you’ve been coughing more and more recently,” Chan said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “oh and maybe some sort of medicine, I have no idea which one, but you’ve started getting a bit pale since this afternoon. Panadol? What’s that for? Fevers? Do you have a fever? Ugh, I should’ve paid attention to what my mom gave me when I was sick”. Seungsik placed the back of his hand on his forehead self-consciously as Chan rambled on. He didn’t think he had a fever, but his throat did feel scratchy from all the hacking up he's been doing these past few weeks and his chest felt tight like a heavy weight was pushing on it. He pushed all this behind him though, and shook his head resolutely.

“I’m fine. It’s just a regular cold, it’ll go away by itself soon”. Chan didn’t seem convinced. He squinted at him as if that would tell him whether it really is just ‘a regular cold’. In the end, he decided to drop it. Besides, if Seungsik’s coughing did end up continuing he would just make his mom’s recipe for lemon honey ginger tea from scratch.

On the drive home, Seungsik couldn’t help but let an over-confident smirk slip. He sneaked a glance at his boyfriend driving. Chan had no idea the absolute best movie night is about to him; he had no idea. But maybe this excitement to blow Chan’s socks off was tiring him out a little because soon enough, the warm lights that flew past them outside started to lull him. Next thing he knew, Chan was stroking his head softly to stir him awake. 

~

“Sikie…”

Seungsik had always been a deep sleeper, it was no surprise this barely stirred him. Chan tried again, shaking his shoulders gently.

“Sik-ah…”

Seungsik blinked open sharply with a confused hum. The other smiled, used to the older’s way of having to be woken up. 

Chan, still on the driver’s side, was about to start coaxing him to fully wake up with the idea of ordering takeout but something in him hesitated. His boyfriend, although clearly awake, still had his head hung as if he was still sleeping. His breaths sounded laboured and every other one was punctuated with a dry cough. Maybe they should have picked up some medicine after all. 

A sense of uneasiness washed over Chan. He wanted to reach out to feel his temperature but for some reason, he froze. His own hand laid helplessly on his thigh when all he wanted was to touch the other. The only thing he could do was stare worriedly at him. 

“Sikie, you seriously don’t look okay…” he tried softly as if he’s approaching a wild animal. He knew more than anyone that Seungsik would rather run laps with a broken ankle than admit that there was something wrong with himself. It was something that used to bother Chan because he thought it meant Seungsik didn’t trust him enough to be honest with him, but slowly he came to realise that this was how Seungsik tried to keep everyone happy. Little did he know it had the opposite effect of Chan, who only wanted to care for him. Even though Seungsik may be in pain, he would rather everyone around him not acknowledge it as he dealt with it himself. Although he hated this trait of the older, he also knew that he was the only one who could break down his walls. Or at least, peak over the edge enough to know how to help. 

“Come on, let’s just get you to bed. I’ll make you some soup”. Seungsik nodded unwillingly. The two exited the car from their respective sides before joining together again out front. 

When they reached inside, Chan led Seungsik towards their room by his waist because he knew that if he were to let him be, Seungsik would have made a beeline to the couch in fear of spoiling their movie night. 

“You don’t have to make soup, I already ate before leaving remember?” Seungsik croaked as the younger carefully helped him to lie down. Chan did remember. They both had eaten what was left of the banchan Seungsik’s mom had dropped off a week ago. It took some persuasion from Chan’s side to get Seungsik to eat more than three spoonfuls but he got there in the end. The older’s lack of appetite should have signalled to Chan that he was clearly sick. He curses at himself internally for being so slow at connecting the dots. When they were eating, he had just assumed Seungsik got bored of eating the same thing for a week straight. 

“Okay. Let me brew you some tea at least.”

Chan did just that and when he returned, Seungsik was already starting to drift off again. Eyes blinking heavily as if he was fighting with a battle with himself to at least stay awake to drink the tea the other made him. 

After taking a few tentative sips, Seungsik rested his head back and patted the space next to him with a weak smile. Still in the sweatpants and hoodie he wore when they went out, Chan slipped under the blanket next to his boyfriend after turning off the lights. 

Just when Chan thought Seungsik had fallen asleep, “I‘m sorry the night didn’t go as planned. I promise we can have our movie night tomorrow night” Seungsik whispered shakily. Chan hummed in reply.

“Tomorrow night it is”

He had made himself his own cup of tea that he quickly drank before taking Seungsik’s to him. It settled warmly in his stomach and now as he cuddled Seungsik close, he was warm on the outside too. 

That was the word that came to mind when he looked at Seungsik in his arms. Warm. The man had been warm from their very first meeting in their campus library, greeting him by standing up when everyone else in the study group stayed sitting. The older quickly and effortlessly treated him as if he was a long-time friend. Never once making him feel out of place despite being the only newbie in the group. Letting him in on the inside jokes that would have otherwise gone over Chan’s head, directing the conversation to Chan in order to get to know him more and eventually inviting him to continue studying with them. 

His warmth never diluted months into their friendship and when they began dating. If anything, it intensified as Seungsik slowly allowed himself to open up to Chan. 

He was warm in the way he let the younger take more of their shared blanket. He was warm in the way he always made sure Chan felt secure in a new environment. He was warm in the way he gazed tenderly at the younger over the dinner table. He was warm in the way he captioned photos of Chan with his deepest, most raw emotions. Yes, Chan knew. Unbeknownst to Seungsik, Chan had unintentionally seen him posting on the private instagram account. When he realised what his boyfriend was doing, he smiled bashfully behind his back, before coughing unnecessarily loud to make his presence known. It was then that Chan was reminded of just how much love Seungsik has. He felt his warmth then. 

But when Chan woke up the next day, Seungsik was ice cold.

**Author's Note:**

> pretend that disney movies are still on netflix lol
> 
> hi so this was actually my first time ever posting a fic anywhere so im really nervous !! i didnt really know how to allude to sik's sickness but i hope you understood what i did anyway (i hope it was clear that sik d words at the end?) . thank you for reading till the end, comments and kudos are highly appreciated
> 
> i first started writing this at 1am sometime in late jan and never thought i would actually finish, never mind let anyone else see it but the victon fic fest really inspired me to write so i challenged myself to see if i can actually finish one before committing to vicfest
> 
> big big thank u and i love u to nia and lila for reading and giving ideas, i wouldn't have had the motivation to finish without u guys <3 find me on twt crying about victon and my other kpop boys @kangsikkie


End file.
